All fulled up here

I came to realization today on Facebook; it had been percolating for a little while.

 

I have seen enough baby pictures.  Also, toddler snapshots.  Same with child photos.  (I’ve also grown fiercely weary of pictures of you and your semi-attractive spouses on vacations, but we’ll get to that later.)  Let me run down the reasons for finding my kiddy pic tank on ‘F’:

 

1)  All your fucking children look alike.  

I grew up in a little town full of rich Jew-spawn.  Hence, due to the vagaries of nature/nurture, most of my friends look similar, except for Jeff Shulberg, who is a ginger and therefore an evolutionary dead-end.  All these similarly be-froed Jews married Jewesses with brown-hair and semi-fat asses and now they have children that resemble each other to a “have you seen these two in the same room” extent.  It’s creepy and disconcerting that Lil’ Levitt looks like Tiny Tottenburg looks like Wee Weintraub.   Now, of course, not all my friends are Levantine doppelgangers: there are two black guys in there.  Both are childless, or perhaps negligent fathers.  Both options are perfectly fine with me, as far as my status update irritation levels go.

 

2) Boring poses

I don’t need you to be David LaChapelle; a candy-colored homosexual daydream starring Baby Bob isn’t necessary.  But, enough with the zoo.  And the balloons.  Or the birthday parties.  Unless your kid is shoving the balloon up his ass and pulling it out through his nose.  TEACH HIM A TRICK.  Mere existence of proof that your genitals work is not enough to entertain me.  Did you see Avatar?  That’s what you’re competing with, and you went with ‘Sleeping Ugly Baby?’  Fuck you and your whole bloodline.

 

3) Real-World Competition

 

Y’know what I like looking at on the internet?  Naked.  Not anything or one in particular, I mean naked everything and everyone.  or cool stuff, I love cool stuff.  There’s a site I found that shows the march of empires across the map, animated and colored-in and cool music.  And you’re showing babies?  I see babies all the time, every day.  In fact…

 

4) I Am Prejudiced Against Babies

Because they are lazy, jobless, ne’er-do-wells.  I won’t even mention the things about the math and penises.

 

5)  Your kid is not special

Have you ever heard of the Trojan Corporation?  (I am assuming that is the name of the condom company.)  They made literally thousands of dollars last year.  (I am not checking my facts.)  They are but one of hundreds (again, just guessing while watching football and listening to the Dead here…quite honestly, I’m surprised this is still in English) of companies dedicated to preventing children.  It is almost impossible to NOT make a homunculus when you bang.  Savages in Africa and Rhode Island manage to do it, but you feel the need to ask for kudos via the internet–the very same internet that was built by Gore Vidal to enable us to masturbate EVEN AFTER NUCLEAR WAR?  (Once more: not really paying attention to what my fingers are doing.  It’s like how ladies used to knit while  slut-shaming their friends who weren’t in the room.)

 

6)  Also, You Gave the Little Shit a Dumb Name

 

Parker?  PARKER?  C’mon, man.